Everyday Rituals

I often hear couples say they “don’t have time” to connect with their partner. The to do list is too long, dinner needs to be made, kitchen cleaned, baths, bedtime. And now that school is back in session with weekend soccer games and swim lessons? Don’t even get me started! When on earth would we fit it in?

I get it! It can feel so chaotic to keep up with our lives and all the moving parts. It can feel impossible to juggle. But being intentional about positive, loving and affectionate interactions amid the chaos is what transforms your relationship from room mates and household managers into a long lasting partnership that feels good.

I believe that we do have time, even on the busiest of days, to engage in everyday rituals. They aren’t difficult to create and over time will become an integral part of your day. It can look like: greeting each other when you walk in the door with a hug and a kiss, leaving a post it note on your partner’s bedside table when you leave for that early morning meeting, sitting down to dinner, a family walk. These are reliable positive experiences that happen every day and ground our nervous systems. In the midst of these rituals our whole self feels safe, loved and secure.

On the other hand: when we barely make eye contact with each other, ships passing as we hurry to answer one last email, rush out the door without a kiss good bye, or obsessively check our phones we communicate the opposite. Our nervous systems respond and a low grade unhappiness and anxiety starts to permeate the foundation of our relationship. If kids or pets are in the home they feel it too.

Relationship researcher John Gottman believes there is a magic ratio. Stable and happy couples (and families) have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. So yes, some days we wake up on the wrong side of the bed and don’t quite get it right, and that’s okay. As long as we’re being intentional about other ways we can connect. It’s a small thing, that doesn’t take long, and will have a big positive impact.

I’d invite you to give it a try! Sit down with your partner and agree upon a few ways you can connect on a daily basis. Hold each other accountable (with kindness) as you practice and implement. When you work with a team mindset on shifting your relationship dynamics towards the positive it will create a stronger foundation and will help conflict feel less intense. If you’d like more assistance in creating long lasting change please reach out for a free 10 minute consultation through my email (me.we.us.counseling@gmail.com) or at 512-967-3737.