Getting Over a Fight: 3 ways to find true repair
Here you are. You had a big fight with your partner. It was messy. Words were said, couches were slept on, you can barely look at each other. Where do we go from here? Sometimes in our conflict cycles, this can be the beginning of a days-long journey back to each other with tension, silent treatment, tears. Sometimes we superficially repair quickly, but find ourselves bringing our pain and anger into our next fight- making the next one worse than ever.
The truth is, there is another way. And I’m hoping that practicing and using these 3 strategies can make some lasting change in your conflict patterns. Gottman (a renowned couple’s therapist) defines repair as “any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”. Let’s look at three ways you can attempt repair today.
One: Break the Ice
Share your feelings about your emotions in this exact moment. This can sound like:
“I feel so off after our fight last night.”
“I’m feeling regretful about some things I said last night, and I want you to know that”
“I‘m feeling really low and I could use a pick me up. Want to grab some coffee with me?”
When the two of you realize that you’re feeling the same things, even difficult emotions about each other, it helps you join together in your experience and re-connect.
Two: Physical Touch
It might sound impossible, but physically connecting with each other (even when you have unresolved anger!) is highly effective. Essentially, this communicates to our partner that even when we are angry and disappointed, we don’t stop loving each other. I can be mad at you and hug you. Holding these two truths! I believe that this heals a childhood wound. So often as children, when we make mistakes we are given messaging that removes love (go to your room!). Our child self desperately needs to feel and hear that we are loved even when we make mistakes or when things get messy. This strategy can look like:
“Can I give you a hug? Our fight was hard last night and I’m still struggling with parts of it, but I love you no matter what”
It can also be reaching to rub or hold your partner’s hand, touching their hair or cheek, rubbing their back, etc.
Three: Own Your Part
Yes, your partner said and did some things that were not cool. It hurt! But fixating on that doesn’t bring us closer to repair. By looking back on the incident and owning your part in it, you take accountability for your actions and create an opening to move forward. Your partner may or may not be able to do the same. But you only have control over your own actions and behaviors, and if your goal is to create true and lasting repair, this piece is key. Let’s look at some ways to start:
“I know you might not be ready to talk about our fight last night, but I want you to know that I’m sorry for calling you a bitch. I never should have said that and you don’t deserve to be spoken to that way”
“I want to own my mistakes from last night. I feel bad about how loud I got and hate that I yelled at you. Moving forward I’m going to do my best to keep my voice at a lower volume, even when we are disagreeing. “
“ I didn’t do a good job of listening to you last night. My own feelings got in the way and that wasn’t fair to you. Can we find sometime to try again today? I want to understand how you’re feeling”
Are these easy to put into practice? No. But are you capable of creating change, Absolutely. Intentionally working on strengthening these strategies will make new patterns and cycles in your relationship and eventually repair will come easily. It will feel like second nature and can lead to lasting, permanent change.
If you’d like to dive deeper or need some extra support implementing these strategies, please reach out for a consultation phone call at 512-967-3737 or email me at me.we.us.counseling@gmail.com.
Let’s get you and your partner back on track!
